Why We Go After the Same Types of People Again, and Again



If you tend to keep going after the same types of people over and over again, there’s likely a reason for your unsuccessful pattern. Clearly, you see that it hasn’t been successful for you, situations haven’t worked out, and it always seems to be because of the same reasons or underlying issues. Perhaps you need to stop searching for the same things that you have been and understand why you keep searching for that same particular type of person.

We usually tend to search for certain qualities in a partner that we feel will complement us in some way. We try to find people that have many common interests as us, have similar hobbies, and maybe even laugh at our jokes. Well, there’s nothing wrong with those few things. However, many times we’re subconsciously drawn to certain types of people that won’t ultimately be good for us. Sure, common interests and sharing a laugh are great! But, there’s more to a good foundation than having a moment of fun. There’s a depth to each person. This depth that I’m referring to is more than being a deep person, but being a balanced and spiritually healthy person.

Some people are more spiritually developed than others. No one’s perfect, and we all have issues that we need to improve on in life. The problem is that many times, it’s those issues that we need to work on that we end up searching for in a partner on a subconscious level. Many times, we’re simply drawn to what’s not good for us, because it seems familiar to some extent. That familiarity is not necessarily a good thing.

It’s possible that we’re bringing issues into new situations from our past relationships. Sometimes we go after certain types of people because of the familiarity that we feel subconsciously. It might even be from what we’ve seen from our past that wasn’t good. Many times, it’s the issues of our own parents or people that have been a close part of our lives in which weren’t the healthiest of situations. We see things happen from the time of our childhood and throughout our lives. Many times, only our instinct was there to tell us whether the things we saw were good or bad, and right or wrong.

It’s important to separate yourself from your past and what you’ve seen. Discover your inner power, and embrace and live by the good examples of role models or positive things that you’ve witnessed throughout your life. Recognize your fears of things that you might’ve witnessed or heard of as wisdom, lessons, and reasons to be more cautious. Don’t let your fears project into or determine your future.

This is why we need to be a whole person before we get into the dating scene, and put ourselves out there.

Many times, we subconsciously project our weaknesses or shortcomings into what we search for in a partner. As well, many times people are drawn to things that they’re afraid of. These are internal toxic behaviours that many of us have to succumb to. Like I said before, it’s important to work on yourself and be a whole person before even starting to search for a partner in life. Being a whole person doesn’t necessarily mean that we don’t have issues. We all have issues that we not only need to work on, but that may take us a lifetime of trying. Again, no one is perfect, so no, you don’t have to be perfect. But, you do have to be whole and in somewhat of a spiritually enlightened place where you’re able to be with another person in a healthy manner.

For example, you shouldn’t go into situations when you know that you have a bad temperament, and when you’ve never actually worked on improving it. Even when a person that has a bad temper controls it while dating someone, a button is bound to get pushed at some point by their partner, and it won’t go well. The best way to work on issues is before you actually put yourself out there on the market to date.

People could have many issues like being emotionally unavailable, and they end up going after partners that are emotionally unavailable as well. They might not even realize that they’re going after or drawn to this type of person because of their issue. When someone is emotionally unavailable, they tend to go after what’s unavailable to them on some level. They might even get attracted to situations or people in which they know that they won’t have a real chance because they feel safe. That safe feeling to the emotionally unavailable person is why they might even agree to a relationship (even though they’re generally commitment-phobic). When you see a pattern of failed relationships where people go after the same types of people repeatedly, there’s a bigger underlying issue that needs to get resolved before having a successful relationship.

Working on yourself, and making yourself into a balanced, happy, and well-rounded individual is something that we should all strive for. Self-improvement and bettering oneself is something that is part of our journey, and our journey plays a big role in our destination. Whether you view your destination in life as the beginning or the end is how you perceive things. Having said that, once we reach our destination and look back on our journey, we should see and feel kindness, purity, gratitude, effort, and love. We should never look back on our journey and see or feel things like guilt, shame, bitterness, or revenge. The way we get to our destination is a big part of how we’ll feel once we’ve achieved our final goals in life.

Make sure that when you search for a partner in life, you do so on a clean slate, and without projecting or bringing in your past bad experiences and fears. Instead, bring your experiences of life with you as wisdom, examples, and lessons learned. Strive to be self-aware, enlightened, zen, and stay optimistic in your search. This way situations will actually stand a chance, and you won’t be drawn to or keep going after the same types of people that aren’t good for you.

Anne Cohen
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