The Honest Approach to Long Distance Relationships and Relocating



Spending time apart from someone that you love is never an easy thing to do. Long distance relationships are never the easiest of relationships, but they have one big benefit, and that’s the fact that people that spend a certain amount of time apart from one another tend to appreciate each other more when they see each other again. People should always appreciate each other whether there’s distance between them or not. Having said that, long-distance relationships where two people love each other deeply tend to have a lot of passion and appreciation for each other.

For me personally, I’ve tried a long-distance relationship, but it didn’t work. Long distance relationships take hard work from both people – just like any other relationship. But, there are a few things that are mandatory for long-distance relationships, and possibly even more so than when you’re in a relationship with someone that lives nearby.

For one, having an immense amount of trust is imperative. Having trust in any relationship is important, but when you’re so far apart from one another, and doing your own thing all of the time, it leaves question marks in each other’s minds at times. It’s truly imperative to have a lot of faith, trust, an open book type of mentality, as well as being brutally honest with one another when you live far apart.

It’s important to give each other the benefit of the doubt – when in doubt, and to trust your partner whether you live close or far. But, it’s important to remember that honesty and loyalty go hand in hand. When you live far away from one another, you have to try that much harder to be happy with your situation and how things are, and to know that your partner is good, giving them the benefit of the doubt whenever you question anything from their words to what they do without you.

Another thing that’s important when you’re in a long-distance relationship is to have great communication. This means that you should have phone calls, messages of some sort, letters, and even video phone calls whenever possible. It’s important to touch base once in awhile with your partner, but even more so, when you live far away. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you likely have reasons why you live so far apart, whether it’s because of work, whether it’s temporary, or whether you’re willing to relocate at a later time if and when things work out.

Whether or not someone that lives far from you is open to relocating is a question that couples should talk about early on – like on the first date. For me personally, I ask questions like this during the first phone call – but that’s me. I know that I’m not open to relocating for my own personal reasons like my children being here in Los Angeles, and not wanting to change any arrangements with my ex-husband.

If you’re not open to relocating at some point and your partner thinks that you are (perhaps because you said you were open to it?), it’s completely dishonest, and you should end things right there. Kindness and being a good person involves honesty, so don’t mislead others in order to experience life fun, intimacy, or even a relationship with someone. That’s just wrong on so many levels.

A lot of times people don’t think it’s such a big deal to relocate. But on the contrary, it is! Maybe some people say that it’s not a big deal, because deep down inside their intentions aren’t pure or because they have ulterior motives of some sort. But either way, relocating is a big deal, and the topic of whether or not one is open to relocating is a must-have topic for dating someone that lives far away.

Some people might even say that they’re open to relocating – when in fact, they’re not. I actually dated someone many years back that said early on he was open to relocating if things worked out. However, when push came to shove, the ending of the relationship was a result of him not wanting to relocate (But then again, it might’ve just been an excuse or a reason to end a situation – who really knows).

That kind of act is incredibly dishonest and misleading – not to shame him, because I’m not revealing his name nor do I think he’s a bad person in any way. But truth be told, it’s things like that that make me even more cautious to connect with someone when they live far away. So for me personally, I’m not open to relocating, and therefore, I don’t date anyone who lives outside of Los Angeles County. At least, not anymore.

It’s important to be honest from the get go as far as your intentions and what you’re open to doing down the line. I always feel that it’s best to talk about some of these things early on, and as soon as possible. I can only share from my own personal experience here, but even if a few guys have become uncomfortable because of my direct and upfront questions, I still ask them. I’ve even been questioned by people that are close to me on whether or not my approach of being so direct was good or not. But my response remains, honesty and being clear from the get-go prevents wasting anyone’s time- and I know that I’d want the same respect.

I feel it’s best not to waste anyone’s time, and to be brutally honest from the very beginning. Wasting people’s time, misleading them, or even telling people what they might want to hear, because it will help you get a date with them is far from the way the right approach. This isn’t some crazy approach we’re talking about here- it’s merely an honest approach.

I’d rather know sooner, as opposed to later whether or not someone would want the same things as me in the future like marriage or children, even if I don’t have more than a first date with them.
I find that the men that find my approach too intense, upfront, and direct, end up being the men that turn out to be emotionally unavailable, emotionally not ready, have ulterior motives, are compulsive liars, or have some type of fear when it comes to commitment or being exclusive.

It’s those same types of people that are afraid of commitment or start to get cold when they come on too strong intimately, and you have to push them back. As well, it’s those same types that end up not wanting to turn off their dating site profiles and explore an exclusive relationship after some time of dating one another. Not for me – no thanks. This never stops me from using an honest and direct approach, because the right person for me will love, respect, and appreciate my open book mentality and honest approach, and he won’t fear what I feel are normal, direct, and important questions to ask early on. Relocating or not is one of those important questions.

For some people, despite how well things might be going when you’re dating them, even the mere thought of turning off their dating site profiles will strike a chord with them, and they’ll create distance or get cold. Those types of people are all usually emotionally unavailable on some level or view the grass as being greener elsewhere, especially in LA. At least from what I’ve seen.

It’s always good to be honest and upfront from the get-go, and asking a person whether or not they’re open to relocating if things ultimately worked out is a big deal type of question, whether you use online dating or not.
Many times online dating profiles will let you know right away whether or not someone is open to relocating. Having said that, whichever way that you end up finding people to date whether it’s online, being set up, using matchmaking services, or simply meeting someone when you’re out and about, it’s a very important question to ask early on. 

If you don’t ask early on, and you let yourself develop feelings for the other person, you might wind up getting attached to them, only to find out later that you or they aren’t open to relocating now, or in the future. I always say that it’s better to lose something that you never really had to begin with, and it’s also better to find out sooner, rather than later whether or not someone that lives far away would be open to relocating. Especially if you’re not. 

Anne Cohen
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